2 January 2018

Ballycastle - 2017

I went on this trip without you. Whilst you are away, I will always try to be happy, to fix and to strengthen myself, for you, for us, for our family. Here’s where I went at the end of 2017. I will take you one day, I promise. 

Along The Causeway Coastal Route from Ballycastle 

So, between my past year and this new one sat Ballycastle, in Northern Ireland, on its rocky, green and dramatic coastline. Enchanting, restorative, refreshing and, somewhat mythical this place enveloped me. Despite its huge waves crashing violently on craggy, rocky outcrops, its wild wind combing the surrounding grasses flat and bringing with it the driving December rain and sleet, to me, for me, it was calm. 

Arriving at night time the sky was colbat blue, mixed with a generous blob of ivory black - you know how we mix the acrylics to get the right colour? It’s darkness was untouched by city lights or pollution. The moon was highlighting a smattering of cloud edges in a small cluster. The light was swallowed by the night as your eyes moved from where the moon hung. The lighthouse in the distance was lighting a path and, just as quickly, throwing it back into freezing cold darkness. Rathlin Island, across the water, was a foreboding dark silhouette against the sky. Barely visible lights from the sparsely populated island’s homes blinked weakly through the winter air, across to where we stood. 

The sea dominated all. The deep swell pushing up huge, roaring, rolling and crashing waves. The cold, dark blackness of the sea’s surface was broken, like a cracked sheet of ice, by light, scattered all over by the rise and the fall of the waves. Transient yet constant, the waves kept coming. Rising, breaking, falling until they crashed heavily onto the black shiny rocks at our shore. 

The wind and the waves played a song that night and somewhere between that time and that place, I breathed deeply in the cold night air and tried to find me again. 

The beauty of this place is hard to convey. We will go one day. There was so much more to see and I’ll tell you all about the rest of the trip another time sweetheart. Sleep tight for now, it’s late. I love you.

Mummy xxx

Winter 2017 - at home in Brinkley xx

20 August 2017

Life's a journey ~ Cornwall 2017

Hi baby,

This month, we went on holiday to Cornwall. It was the holiday that we nearly didn't go on, and I will be eternally grateful that we did. Just you and me. 

We packed up our car and set off on our adventure to our Tiny House in the corner of a cows' field, overlooking the most beautiful green valley and the sea. 

When we arrived, all reservations about the size and remoteness fell away. It was perfect. Our own Little House on the Prairie, in a field in Cornwall. We used every one of our seven days to explore and make memories. We visited Tintagel Castle....

The Eden Project....

The Lost Gardens of Heligan....

Launceston Steam Railway.... 

Clovely on Lifeboat Day....

Bude's beaches....

and Tamar Otter and Wildlife Centre (this is not an otter 😂)....

We had a great time at all of these places but my favourite times were our evenings in our Tiny House, just you and me. 

This holiday was so important for us. We were a million miles away from the world in our Tiny House. The wind blew in from the sea and whistled around our little house and it made it even cosier and happier inside. We sang, we danced, we read and we watched the sun set together. I was overflowing with love for you as you played King Arthur, coloured your pictures, read your new Railway Rabbits book and ran around our field, free and happy. Soon it will be time for new adventures. Please always remember this holiday and, if it fades a little, as memories do, just read this post and remember again 💜

"Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory" ~ Dr Seuss

9 July 2017

An old soul

I will look back on this time and I will forever cherish our indescribable bond. You, my little six year old ball of love, support, questions, tears, laughter and joy, are my absolute everything.

You sleep by my side, you snuggle all the time, you touch my arm to let me know you are there. I will always be your safe place to fall, your sanctuary and, right now, you are mine. 

Today, you asked me if I could buy a photo album to make albums of our adventures together. Someone once told me that you were an old soul. I see that everyday and am eternally grateful. Your depth of spirit, empathy and feeling goes way beyond your tender years. 

Right now, we plan adventures, go on evening walks and we lay together in the grass and watch the late afternoon sun shining through the treetops. I want to hold time and remember this forever. 

I love you eternally x

"A daughter is just a little girl who grows up to be your best friend" 

31 December 2016

A new year begins

The other day I read an old post from when you had just turned three. I can't quite believe that are now six. Six whole years old. To me, you are the most brilliant, caring and wonderful six year old. You cherish everything and I never want that to stop. School, family, friends, home, learning, adventures, music and stories. 

Whilst I had a coffee the other day, you decided to read a book filled with paintings. Well, you looked at the pictures. You said that one picture you looked at made you think of somewhere really calm. Where the day goes slowly and no one needs to rush.Then you got to one which made you feel lonely, tired and empty. "It kind of makes me feel invisible Mummy." I could listen to your chatter for hours. Your six year old thoughts are so mesmerising to me.

There is a lot being written at the moment about kids being kids, toys being toys, and gender stereotypes being outlawed. I want to see us really letting kids be kids. I have an overwhelming desire for us all to stop intervening. You should pick your own toys, pink or blue, dinosaur or princess. I want, more than anything, to just let you be. Sometimes I want to shout out loud for people to give you some space. I don't because interaction with other people is important and, well, it would be rude! I am also very aware that my need for peace is not yours. It is just a very strong instinct in me. I am most relaxed when you have the space to exist at your own pace and in your own way. 

I want you to relish in a nature documentary as much as in an episode of Paw Patrol. To watch Harry Potter, Star Wars, The Sound of Music and Frozen. To visit art galleries and antique shops as well as toy shops and funfairs. I just want you to see, hear, smell and feel all that the world has to offer and not just a wrapped up, glitzy version of what grown-ups think is entertainment for you. It is a fine balance. I type this as we finish watching Minions together on a rainy day.

We spend the last day of 2016 in London together. A lot of people say that 2016 was a really bad year. There is a lot going on in the world right now and you'll learn about it soon enough. I just want you to always remember to not to be scared, to be proud, to care about people and to give everything to what you believe in. Gently change the world by giving everything that you can in your little corner and through positivity and hope. There isn't enough of that stuff and you, my little girl, are brimming with it. 

At six years old you mean the absolute world to me. I love every fibre of your being and can't bear the thought of you being disappointed or being scared and alone. But I do know that you will feel these things. It will shape you as a person, a brilliant and wonderful person. I will keep giving you as many experiences as I can. That is what I feel that my job is right now and I will never tire of your expectant little six year old face asking me, "where are we going to go next Mummy?" I can trace the outline of my heart and soul in your face. You embody all of my hopes and dreams and I just can't wait to see where you take them. 

Happy new year my darling little girl. Let's go and make some more memories.

"For last year's words belong to last year's language. And next year's words await another voice" - T. S. Elliot