27 February 2015

My girl

I didn't give you life, I think that it gave you to me. That's how I see it anyway. You are just growing up, like any kid does. But whilst you do it, you are changing me, in a way that only having you can. You took the fragmented pieces of me when you were born and you held them in your little hands and gave them back to me, a completed puzzle. It all makes sense. I'm not superstitious, or religious, or all that spritual, but I believe that I was meant to have you. 
This morning you seemed sad. I asked you what was wrong and you said, "the thing is Mummy, there was going to be a carnival today in our house but all the actors are sick and it's cancelled." You looked so serious and sad. I couldn't reduce your make-believe carnival to something that's not real and doesn't matter, so I gave you a cuddle and we talked about rescheduling the carnival. 

I feel your emotions, as strongly as I feel my own. I laugh when you do, your tears are my tears, I feel your pain and share in your excitement. What I long for is that you will somehow see yourself through my eyes as you grow up. Care about yourself as much as I do and always want for yourself as much as I want for you. My little girl, my world. 

Love you  x

22 February 2015

A Mummy/Molly Sunday

My story began in 1977. Yours in 2010. Separated by 33 years but intrinsically linked by the fibres of our beings. I relate to your questions and thoughts like I had them once myself. 
We watched the 1961 version of 101 Dalmations today. I remember being little, like you, and being frightened of Cruella De Vil and scared for the puppies. The voice of the narrator, the music and characters bring all those feelings back to me. The years between us dissolve away and I am 4 with you.

You absorbed every piece of the drama, emotion, plot and characters, talking your way through your obervations.

"Why doesn't the daddy doggy have puppies Mummy? Do Daddies not have babies from their tummies?" 

"Cruella's wand looks stinky Mummy" (cigarette)

"The nasty men know the puppies are disguised now do they Mummy?"

"Pongo's pets will be happy to have the puppies home for Christmas will they Mummy?"

"90 puppies and 2 grown up doggies makes 100 does it Mummy?" 
I love that my childhood memories can become yours

Today you called lasagne, lasagne instead of vasagne as you always used to. And you asked for breakfast in the conservatory, when it always used to be the inservatory. I've realised that one day you won't reach up to hold my hand, or want me to sit with you as you fall asleep or need Righty with you at night. I probably won't notice these things happen, like vasagne. So I'll treasure them while they do. 
Sweet dreams baby

"And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it." ~ Roald Dahl

19 February 2015

Growing up

I have come to learn, and strongly believe, that having you no more makes me a parent than having a cello would make me a cellist. To me, being your parent is about the guidance, inspiration, protection and support that I try to provide to you every day. I have had to learn and to change and better myself in order to be the person that I want you to learn from, and will continue to do so. The biggest job I want to excel at is teaching you to get along without me. That's really difficult when you're 4 and you look to me for everything. Subtly and gently though, I want to show you that women are independent, strong, and healthy with views on the world and no limits on what they can do. If I achieve nothing else, I want that message to be ingrained in your soul.
Sometimes people can fall short of their dreams, not be who they want to be or deny themselves opportunities. Not through any deliberate actions but through other people's preconceived ideas of the world and how things, how we, should be. My promise to you is that I will try to give you the tools and environment that you need to become who you want to be and I won't ever smother you with my own ideals or standards. I might be wrong (I sometimes am!) but it seems to me that inspiration and the space for free expression are the most important things that I can give to you. As I see it, if I'm wrong about that, it's better than being wrong about telling you how and who to be.
The other day I found you crying proper tears on your own in the lounge. You told me that your pretend baby girl had eaten a magic apple and died. You've asked about death a lot lately and it is hard for me to see your pure little mind working through such a difficult subject. But, it is all part of your development and we talk and I listen. And I will continue to listen as you grow and want to know about the world around you.

The next morning you woke up with some "sad news." Apparently, "Bluey had been bitten by a lobster." You look for a reason to care for those around you and Bluey's distress at being bitten by a lobster meant that she needed you. I love that you wanted to be there for her.

I know that I will play a part in giving you the strength to grow. I feel that most when I go to you at night. You are too scared to leave your room with it's butterfly fairly lights providing a safe glow. Then you put your soft little hand in mine and you march into that dark hallway with purpose. At the moment, my hand can protect you from the dark, from big dogs, from roads and from monsters. That makes me so very happy.  

Sweet dreams baby. 

In Cambridge on my birthday

"You need not be sorry for her. She was one of the kind that likes to grow up. In the end she grew up of her own free will a day quicker than the other girls." ~ J M Barrie, Peter Pan

1 February 2015

The Robot Giant

Yesterday we watched The Robot Giant together. I have to choose your films carefully because you are pretty sensitive to danger, sadness, anger, dark, purple minions, witches and snow monsters....to name but a few. This film was on the borderline. We talked through the, potentially deal-breaking scenes. I didn't want it to end up in the graveyard of 'too scary' films along with Frozen and Despicable Me 2.
This film started with a futuristic war scene during which you shuffled closer to me. It finished just before you wrote it off as too scary. The war left a giant lonely robot called Big Green wandering through a wasteland. He met a little robot and they embarked on a journey together becoming the best of friends through their adventures. 
Now, I can't watch all kids' movies. I think it's a pre-requisite that they are silly but some are silly and empty. This one wasn't. It had heart. I like that. It was surreal, imaginative and desolate. There was a scene where Big Green had to save his friend who was stuck to a bomb which would go off when the the sun's shadow was cast at noon. Big Green could have used his strength to pull his friend free but instead he embarks on a determined mission high up into the sky to stop the sun. How he gets there and what he encounters on the way results in one of the most imaginative scenes I've ever seen in a children's film. You followed his perilous struggle on the edge of your seat and let out a cheer when he reached the sun. "YES! He made it Mummy."

Big Green struggles with what he was programmed to be and want he wants to be in a battle between his heart and his CPU. You recognise his struggles and you talk through them to reassure yourself that it'll all be ok. 

"He doesn't know how to be a friend does he Mummy?"

Your speech is developing every day although you haven't yet mastered contractions and instead choose to not always use them. I try not to correct you. You will learn in your own time. 

"Friends should always help each other should they Mummy?"

"If we tried to stop the sun, we'd get burnt would we Mummy? That's why we're not robots"

"They are still friends, are they Mummy?"

"I know why he's scared of Big Green. It's because his secret extra robot arms make him look like a spider and he doesn't realise it is just his friend, not a spider, does he Mummy?" 
We tackled war, friendship, politics, loyalty, good, evil and morals with The Robot Giant yesterday. And you were very brave sweetheart. It was a tiny bit scary.

I love you.

"Everything I learned I learned from the movies." ~ Audrey Hepburn